Self-esteem: how to have it and increase it

By Cristiano Antonino On Nov 19, 2022

Self-esteem is one of the fundamental components for being psychologically well, for having satisfying relationships, for being able to set goals and doing one’s best to achieve them

According to the APA (American Psychological Association) definition, it is ‘the degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one’s self-concept are perceived as positive’.

What is the ‘self-esteem system’?

We could define self-esteem as the sense of self-appreciation and confidence in oneself and one’s abilities, or as the perceived value everyone has of themselves.

When we talk about self-esteem, we are talking about the result of the combination of various elements, of which we may or may not be aware, that characterise a person and that fit into a system in which they are in constant relation to each other.

These elements, which contribute to the construction of self-esteem, can be divided into:

internal: the global judgement that a person has of him/herself, the adjectives with which he/she can describe him/herself (both globally and in relation to individual contexts), the thoughts (i.e. the internal dialogue) in which these adjectives are inserted and the emotions linked to these evaluative elements;
external: the judgements of others, external events (such as, for example, the achievement or non-achievement of certain goals) and the emotions expressed by others in our presence.

The emergence and evolution of the ‘self-esteem system’, like most of the traits that make up a person, results from a continuous interaction between us and the environment and between these internal and external factors.

How self-esteem is built

The building of self-esteem begins early in life and then continues to evolve and change with all the elements that go to make up our personality.

Certainly the first years of life play a decisive role in building self-esteem.

Positive experiences (the family environment, the school environment, early relationships with peers and the achievement of early life goals) can foster a functional and effective level of self-esteem.

Similarly, negative experiences can have a negative impact, causing adjustment difficulties in self-esteem and thus a probable lowering of our self-esteem level.

However, this is not an unchangeable condition: on the contrary, self-esteem continues to evolve throughout life, during adolescence and into adulthood.

The enemies of healthy self-esteem

A good level of self-esteem is the key to success in all areas of life: at work or school, in love relationships, in sport.

However, life situations can often jeopardise its balance, causing it to swing too suddenly or unjustifiably downwards, but also upwards.

We could consider self-esteem as a continuum on which the person can stand at different levels: on the one hand we find an intense deficit of self-esteem, on the other an excess of self-esteem. In both cases, we speak of difficulties in regulating self-esteem.

The regulation of self-esteem levels can be affected by various internal or external elements, including:

judgments made by others in an impulsive manner;
constant focus on unachieved goals in a society with models characterised by high levels of perfectionism;
constant non-objective confrontation with these models through TV, social networks and the exponential development of technology and digitalisation;
ease of making judgements from behind a screen, as is the case with body shaming or with haters, definitions that only came about with the development of social networks.

The consequences of low self-esteem

Consistently low levels of self-esteem or moments of instantaneous collapse can be associated with dysfunctional behaviour, which in turn could be seen as attempts to regulate the emotions associated with this oscillation in self-esteem.

These behaviours may range from withdrawal from social life to substance abuse and even self-injurious behaviour.

Having low self-esteem, therefore, causes a state of discomfort and suffering due to the belief that one is not up to situations.

And so, in an attempt to avoid any experience that might intensify this pain or to avoid further judgement and rejection, one puts oneself less to the test in the social and professional world, one withdraws from relationships with other people, one erects defensive barriers.

Those with low self-esteem also have a tendency to focus attention on their mistakes or failures, rather than on their qualities and successes, in a vicious circle that only self-feeds their lack of self-esteem.

A drop in mood, a decline in one’s performance in school, sport or work, a change in the quality and number of one’s social relationships could be just some of the signs potentially linked to a problem with one’s self-esteem.

The consequences of excessive self-esteem

At the opposite extreme, i.e. where one’s self-esteem is excessively high, the difficulties are related to the fact that one is more exposed to failure and difficulties in relationships.

This stems from excessive self-confidence and a perceived level of self-efficacy that overrides the facts of reality and thus leads to making choices that are not ‘commensurate’ with one’s real potential, as well as to relating to others with a sense of superiority, arrogance and sense of entitlement.

The consequences can be:

difficulties in relationships;
mood swings;
emotional dysregulation, linked to the constant confrontation between the ideal of me and reality;
drops in profit;
unachieved goals because one’s abilities are overestimated;
loss of one’s friendships due to the ‘sense of entitlement’, i.e. the belief that one deserves special treatment or due recognition no matter what, which sometimes characterises overconfidence.

Psychological support to re-establish the right level

As in all things, when it comes to self-esteem, virtue lies in the middle.

In both cases in which there is an excessively low or excessively high level of self-esteem, a psychological course that helps to

become aware of what our self-esteem looks like;
delve into one’s own personal process of adjusting the judgement one has of oneself;
identify one’s own ‘cognitive distortions’ that do not allow one to realise one’s real value;
understand how to regulate emotions more effectively.

Strategies for improving low self-esteem

In the case of low self-esteem, then, there are certain strategies that one can implement to try to increase it.

The focus of these is on increasing, for example, the sense of perceived self-efficacy by increasing the sense of mastery, i.e. the feeling of mastery while performing an activity.

In order to enhance these elements, it is important to choose activities that make us feel fulfilled, both while we are performing them and while we are completing goals related to them.

This is why it is essential to choose realistic objectives, sometimes even breaking them down into micro-objectives, based on our abilities, as well as activities with a level of difficulty that stimulates us to improve, but which is not too high, encouraging a constant achievement of the objectives and a simultaneous gradual increase in our commitment.

Other suggestions could be:

not to give up immediately when things do not go as one would like, persisting in one’s plans at work, in relationships or in other areas of life. The achievements one will make in doing so will contribute to the growth of self-esteem. In case the urge to give up appears at once, we should ask ourselves whether what we are doing really interests us or whether we have set ‘the bar too high’: breaking down goals into micro-goals can help us set more realistic and thus more attainable goals, which will foster our growth;
work on one’s assertiveness and ability to say ‘no’ when necessary: assertiveness is the ability to express one’s feelings while respecting oneself and one’s values, to choose how to behave at a given moment in line with one’s objectives, to defend one’s rights, to express a disagreeing opinion when one deems it appropriate, to advance one’s own ideas and convictions while respecting those of others. This style of behaviour promotes our well-being and the regulation of our self-esteem as well as our sense of self-efficacy;
also try to valorise the most peculiar and positive parts and characteristics of oneself, not focusing exclusively on the less ‘winning’ ones: the constant search for balance between our merits and our flaws will favour our growth thanks to the balance between self-criticism and self-valorisation.

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